The Mello Sheep
by Frail-Dreams
Summary: OOC Near had a mental breakdown, will sending him to his ancient tribal grounds help? Or will he need a lobotomy? Warning: baa-d puns.
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Mello Sheep

Disclaimar:I don't own Death Note, it's characters, or anything that the rightful owners created.

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Incredible. Simply incredible. Near, of all people, was showing emotion! It wasn't anger, or frustration that his grades somehow dropped to an "A". Or happiness that he has won the lottery by making a fake ID. Or even excitement that the newest version of Megatron was coming out next month. But it was of longing. And provocation. As his parents had died only a few years earlier, it didn't help that Mello kept on cracking 'your mom' jokes...But Mello stopped when Near destroyed all of his chocolate in an inexplicably insane explosion.

"Mello and Matt, would you please come to my office. Immediately!" Roger's voice crackled on the intercom.

"Crap..." Mello muttered, "Come on Matt, better do as he say's. Let's not make him even angrier..."

Matt followed the blonde as he put away his Gameboy and wondered if he should be remorseful of the pranks he had pulled.

"Mello?"

"What?"

"Do you still think it was a good idea to coat Near's toys in itching powder?"

"Well, yes. But it would have been better if we had been able to buy some laxatives...Or some food coloring."

"Yeah, well, it's not like Roger is going to let us go out by ourselves after that one little incident." Matt snickered.

"When are you going to shut up about that? I didn't know that Molotov cocktails were that explosive. Really, I didn't mean to blow up the poor guy's Porsche."

"Think about it...Gasoline plus fire equals 'boom', no?"

"SHUT UP!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o

About three minutes and seven bruises received on Matt's part later, they arrived at Roger's office. Mello peeked through the door at Roger's desk. '_Strange_, he thought, _he isn't here_.' Matt, somehow tripping on his own feet, hit the door, forcing it open. They immediately realized they were in the wrong room.

Mello got up on his feet, punched Matt in the leg, and muttered something about Mapquest.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Twenty seconds later they were at the real "Roger's office". As evidenced by the sign that said "Roger's office".

So they walked inside, using the usual drill of looking in to see what his face was leaking in emotion. Nothing, except that he had finally mastered his Gendo Ikari impression.

"Mello and Matt, I called you here, for a number of reasons. First, I want to know why the maps of the campus were made by Mapquest. I believe I told you two to use . Second, I want to know why Near's toy's were coated with itching powder. Don't worry, he didn't come into contact with it, the maid did." At that statement, both Mello and Matt broke out into a cold sweat. Easily disguised by the summer heat. "Third, I want you to go and apologize to Near for making numerous 'your mom' jokes, especially on topic's that he remembers so vividly. Including, but not limited to, cliff diving, pine trees, Coca-Cola, and purple teddy bears. Fourth, I want you to come up with a way for him to cope with the loss of his parents, since it only happened about three years ago. You don't have to comfort him personally, just find a way. And finally, number five; please shower, you smell like the thing you hid under Near's bed. Dismissed!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Near?" Mello asked, concerned, as he knocked on the playroom door for the nineteenth time.

"Baaaaaaaaa!" Came the answering...sound?

"Gah...Frickin' sheep," Mello mumbled. Then the idea struck him, why not send Near to New Zealand to cheer him up? Mello thought it was the most brilliant thing since Einstein's theory of Relativity. So he walked into the room, and was met by a sight he will never forget. Matt, dressed as Megatron (or some other Transformer, they all looked alike to Mello), was knitting some pajamas for Near, while trying to sound like a sheep.

Mello facepalmed, as his free hand went to his vest pocket to get his chocolate bar. Only to realized that Near had destroyed it in his fit of rage. He looked up, his eyes filled with malice at the thought of his anti-drug/anti-depressant gone! Or at least until he got to the store. He then started to cry. Because Near was seemingly taunting him as he pulled out a bar of chocolate. A bar of _white_ chocolate, just like Near, oh how he hated white chocolate. As he fell to his knee's sobbing, even if it were not the real thing, he _**wanted**_, he _**needed**_ that chocolate.

"N-n-near?" Mello stuttered, "Can I have that chocolate?"

"You said 'give that chocolate to Matt' right?" Near said calmly as he tossed it to Matt, who promptly took a bite out of it.

"Look, I'm really sorry for the constant 'your mom' jokes, the pranks, and causing the mental breakdown..." Mello said as he looked down at the floor.

"Prove it."

"I will, Near, **Believe It!"**

"Good thing I didn't give you that chocolate...I have some Ramen in the cupboard?"

"Urk," came the sound from Mello's throat as he truly cried in front of his rival.

"Heh, sucker." Matt snickered as Mello left brokenhearted."Can I take off this ridiculous suit now?"

"If you hand me that lego."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"So, Matt, what was up with the whole 'I'm going to become Near's slave and dress like a robot' thing?" Mello inquired, as he took a bite of his newly bought hoard of chocolate.

"It was my way of saying I was sorry. How are you going to do yours? Since you didn't seem even the least bit sincere."

"Well, it's something I need help with..."

"You're cutting down on your chocolate?? I am so proud!" Matt declared sarcastically.

"What? I could never do that! And besides, it might take more than that to show him I'm sorry. I truly am. I mean, the last time I actually felt guilty, was when I was out of money for chocolate, so I stole some of your mo-" He stopped as Matt sent him his patented death glare.

"If it involves making some money, I expect some you to cover the two hundred you apparently stole from me, back with interest."

"Well," Mello fumbled,"when you were baaing like a stupid sheep, I thought it was Near. Because he does resemble one, does he not? You know, white curly wool, I mean 'hair', he only wears white socks and pajamas..."

"..."

"And I thought, 'why not send him to New Zealand? So he can be united with his lost brethren in the pastures!'"

"..."

"...Well?"

"...You can't send him alone, you know he's never been on a plane by himself before. Who would you send with him? Roger wouldn't have time. The other kids would die to go to New Zealand, but would rather live in a slum than go somewhere with Near."

"Ummm," Mello pondered for a second, "I know! Have a drawing! Like a raffle ticket! And that would help collect more money!"

"..." Matt stared, "Yeah, sure, anything you say boss. I know you would just draw yourself."

"I would not!"

"Pssh, you keep saying that."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Well? Can I do it?" Mello cheerfully asked Roger.

"Fine, but on one condition, you have to enter yourself into the drawing."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"Nope."

"Fine," Mello sighed.

"Good boy. Now run along now and tell Near of your plans."

"Seriously?"

"Mmhmm."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Hey, Near!" Mello hollered from across the grounds, still perplexed by the fact that he was wearing brand new white socks in mud season. "Roger told me to talk to you about something."

"Well make it quick, I have to meet the mailman to get my new action figures and socks."

"Well, it might take a little bit longer than that. So can I walk with you?"

"If it has to do with sheep, I will not forgive you. Ever."

'_Not a good sign_,' Mello thought. "Well, I thought it would be cool if you could see other parts of the world, and also as a way for me to apologize to you sincerely."

"..."

"I figured you would enjoy New Zealand, because it is nice and green, and has good food, and sheep..."

"I told you that if you brought up sheep, I would kill you, didn't I?"

"B-but that's not the reason!"

"Oh? Than what is this 'reason'?"

"Taking a break from Wammy's would be good for you, and you would be able to get your grades back up. And if you really want, I could help you with that instead."

"Suck up."

"And someone else would go with you, because I heard that you have never been on a plane by yourself before."

"..."

"I would hold a raffle thingy, to determine who goes..."

"...Please don't enter yourself."

"Roger told me too."

"Stalker," sighed Near.

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First chapter: done.

Please R&R


	2. Fun draising

Disclaimer still do not own Death Note, or anything belonging to it's respective owners, and probably never will.

Thank's to all the people who are reading/reviewing.

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"Come on people!" Mello yelled as he pranced around a table like a fool. "Buy your tickets for a chance to go to New Zealand! It only costs ten shilling per ticket! The more you buy, the higher the chance! There is no limit!"

About an hour and a half later he stopped, and counted all the money he had earned..."MATT!" Mello yelled, extremely irritated, "How much did you collect?"

"Let's see...I collected a total of seventy two pounds."

Mello looked shocked as he held out all that he had collected. "Se-seventy t-two p-p-p-pounds! WHAT!?"

Matt looked at Mello's palm and counted his money. "Nineteen and a half shillings? Wow, you're even more hopeless than I thought." Matt rolled his eye's, "Wait, if we are selling them at ten shillings a ticket, how did you get nineteen and a half?"

"Ummm," Mello muttered, trying to think of a reason, "Well, I was apparently not thinking at the time."

"No, you were thinking all right...About chocolate." Matt chortled.

Just as he was saying this, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it," Mello yelled as he lunged for the door. It was Near.

"Hello, Mello, I want to know why you gave me a stuffed sheep? That was purple!"

"Ummm."

"You should know that he hates purple!" Matt gasped. "It brings up painful memories!"

"And here, I though you were sincere. Or I did, until I noticed it was dated three months ago." Near sighed, "Oh well, how much have you collected? Two pounds for the both of you?"

Matt smiled triumphantly, "I've collected seventy two pounds, and Mr. Entrepreneur here has collected nineteen and a half shillings."

Suddenly, Roger's voice crackled over the intercom, "Mello, Matt, and Near, would you please come to my office immediately?"

"Well, at least he doesn't sound angry." Mello noticed, optimistically.

"He won't be optimistic for long." Near pointed out.

Matt had to restrain the angry blond to prevent Near's premature death.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"So, how much have you collected?" Roger asked.

"A total of seventy two pounds, and nineteen and a half shillings!" Matt declared.

"Weren't you selling them for ten shillings each?" Asked the now confused Roger.

"Well, I was apparently scammed." Mello explained.

"Which is why I am L's successor..."

Matt snickered. Roger face palmed. Mello reached for his chocolate, and his hidden knife. Near put in another piece of his puzzle.

"Look's like someone would make a 'good' con-man," Near observed.

"Look's like someone would make a 'good' hair dye tester," Mello retorted.

"Ladies, ladies," Matt said looking at Mello, "And gents," he added looking at Near. "Stop fighting, what we need to do, is a car wash."

"..." Near replied.

"..." Roger replied.

"..." Mello replied,"WHAT?!? You just want to see me in a bikini!!"

" I do not, and the reasoning is simple," Matt begin to explain, "We just have to get some soap and water, some girls in swimsuits with posters and-"

"How about a carnival?" Roger suggested.

"With a car wash?" Matt asked hopefully.

"..." Came the reply from everyone but Mello.

"I'm going with Roger's idea." Mello responded

"Awww, that hurt," Matt sniffed, "Going with the old guy's idea over mine."

"Hey!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

One week later. The carnival was ready. It had neon strobe lights. It had music. It had clashing robots. It had baaing sheep. It also had a purple banner that said "Welcome To The 'Lambies House' Carnival!".

"Wow! This is a lot of fun!" One of the orphaned girls said to her friend. "Where should we go next?"

"How about the food tent? I heard they have really good food. Cooked by Mello himself!"

"I didn't know he cooked," a passing boy remarked, "It's probably burnt, knowing how he 'cooks' things."

"Well, guess we'll see. Wanna come with us?" The first girl, who's name happened to be Linda asked the boy.

"I'm going to go play the 'lamb shoe's' game."

"'Lamb shoes'?"

"Yes, it's where they give you three toilet seats, like giant horse shoes, and you have to land at least two to get a prize. It's only a pound for three chances."

"Hey 'ewe' there!" Matt called out, dressed as a sheep. "Can I interest you three in the 'ride a ram' interactive game?"

"The what?" Linda asked.

"Ever heard of the 'Ride a Bull' game? Where you sit on this thing that jumps up and down, and you stay on it for as long as possible?" The sheep asked.

"Yeah..."

"It's like that, only it's covered in wool."

"Um...K?"

"I'm so glad you're going to play it! Right this way!"

"We didn't say we would!" The boy remarked.

"If you stay on it for eight seconds, you get free food!"

"Okay, I take that back." The boy answered. "Where is it?"

Matt smiled inside at his brilliance. Not that the food was free, per se. He just made it look like it was.

"So how much is the ticket or whatever for the 'Ram Ride'?" The boy questioned.

"Three pounds for three tries, but if you stay on for four seconds, you get another try. Six seconds you get fifty percent off of any event. Eight seconds, free food, and three more tries. Sound good?"

"Yeah!" The boy responded cheerfully.

"Good, good!"

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Meanwhile, Mello discovered that the kids at Wammy's apparently like lamb dishes. He also discovered that chocolate doesn't go all that well with lamb as he had hoped.

"Excuse me," a boy said as he tapped on Mello's shoulder, "What is the difference between the Ginger and the Ginger curry lamb dishes? Are they pretty much the same?"

"Actually," Mello replied, "They have mutton in common."

Instantly the boy cracked up laughing, as did the dozen or so people around him. "Seriously though," the boy said wiping a tear of mirth from his eyes, "Is there a difference?"

"The normal ginger is better," one of the bystanders answered, "If you like red-heads!"

Everyone burst out laughing.

"One ginger-lamb please," the boy ordered as he put down his four pounds.

"I agree," said Linda, casting a glance at Matt, who was rounding up more people for the 'ride a ram' event. "Red-heads are better."

"Apparently they taste better too!" The boy said, now chowing into his dish. This statement was greeted with laughter.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"OH CRAP!" Yelled the boy Matt had lured to the "Ride a Ram". He had managed to get to 5.99 seconds, but it had always thrown him off before he got a better prize. Matt thought about how that "skill" Mello had taught him was paying off. Mmm, jacking wires was great.

The boy, named Colton, got off. He spouted something in Croation, and ripped up his remaining raffle ticket. The one that would have won him a purple teddy bear...

"Heh, sucker," some big, strong looking kid said. "Gimme a shot, 'kay?"

"Uh, sure, that will be one pound per try, unless you have a reduction ticket?"

"What? Dat's too 'spensive, yo!" The boy bellowed. "Gimme three tries for one pound and it's a deal, yo!"

"Okay, but then you won't get the prizes."

"Is you pickin' a fight with me, foo?"

"No, rules are rules."

"Fine, here's yo' stupid three pounds." The boy huffed as he put down seven pounds. Apparently somebody had failed math class as well as English. The large boy hopped on the machine, and Matt started it. The boy lasted for three seconds, and fell off.

"Dat ting is unfair, yo!" The boy shouted as he hopped on again. This time he lasted for three and a half seconds.

"Dat ting is still unfair, yo!" He hopped on for his third and last time. He fell off immediately because he held onto the woolen blanket covering the machine, instead of the handles.

"Next!" Matt called out.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Near had decided to help out by getting one of his many blank puzzles, and drawing a sheep on it. He would then tell people that they could do the puzzle as many times as they wanted, if they beat his record(currently 12 seconds flat). Needless to say, nobody has played it more than twice, before getting frustrated after finishing it in maybe, five minutes at best. He was also offering to sell it, so that people could practice it at places other than the carnival. He had gotten offers of up to one hundred and nine pounds. He was about to give it away and pull out another, when someone gave him one hundred and ten. He is still confused why they would pay that much for a sheep puzzle...

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Some random guy Mello hired off of the street was running the Lamb Shoe's game. His name was Raye.

"All right kids, single file line to get your chance to throw."

"But there are five targets to throw the toilet seats at." Called a girl, who had a reputation for being a perfectionist.

"Fine, single file line, that splits into five at the appropriate place. How is that?"

"Better. Now give me my three toilet seats."

"I'm going to tell my superiors about this!"

"See if we care!" Yelled a boy in the line.

"Ignore him, his name is Mister Snark." Said the perfectionist, as she landed her third toilet seat on the sheep targets neck, which broke the things neck.

Raye sighed as he gave the girl her prize, which was a green stuffed llama.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Back at the Lamb Chop Cafe, as it was named by Mello, he had made more friends by his puns, then he had by his attitude.

"Thank 'ewe', come again!" He called as a guy left to get some 'woolen' candy, which was being sold by Roger.

When the kid got there, he realized he didn't have any money left, so he started feeling depressed. But Roger but his hand on his shoulder, and comforted him by saying, "Don't worry, son. Everything will turn out all white!" He then gave him some woolen candy for free.

But then Roger looked at his watch, it was almost midnight! In other words, time for the big event! So he grabbed a random kid, told him to sell the woolen candy, and that if he stole any of the money or woolen candy. Mello would kill him. He ran to his office, turned on the intercom speaker and told everyone the big announcement.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen! It is time, to draw the winners for who goes to New Zealand. I will draw one of the two, and for the other, I would like the gingery sheep, I mean Matt, to come to my office. Here is the first winner...drum roll please?" He was now outside, on the roof, with the bowl of tickets. "And the first winner is...NEAR!"

Matt, Mello, Near and Linda were the only ones who clapped. Everyone else looked shocked, at the chance that they might be going to a foreign country with Near. By that time, Matt had reached the place on the roof where Roger was sitting. He climbed the wall using some move he learned from Final Fantasy IX. He grabbed the microphone, to much applause, of which ninety percent of it was from girls. He reached inside the bowl, shuffled his hand around, and pulled one out, completely at random. He read it, and stopped before he could read it out loud. He looked extremely shocked, some muttered among themselves about who he drew. Most of them guessed(incorrectly) that he drew himself.

But he finally got past his shock, and read it out loud. "The other 'winner', the person who gets to go to New Zealand with Near...is Mello!"

"GASP!" Went the crowd.

"GASP!" Went Roger.

"GASP!" Went Mello.

"..." Went Near

"GASP!" Went L, who was watching via webcam.

"GASP!" Went New Zealand.

"Awwww," went the fan girls.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

The next day was Saturday. So they had plenty of time to add up the money.

"So how much did we get?" Mello said right before yawning and eating more chocolate.

"I made almost eight hundred pounds, just from selling 'rare','hand made', sheep puzzles." Near said. "The total was eight hundred and thirty three.

"I made a measly twenty pounds." Raye added.

"That's because you suck," Mello said, "Whereas I made three hundred and ninety seven pounds. Yay rich business men!"

"Ha! I made four hundred and seventeen pounds!" Matt counted. "Yay rich kid's who can't count above five!"

"So how much did Roger make?" Raye asked, wondering if he was still the one who collected the least.

"Twelve hundred pounds."

"Wait, what?" Everyone asked in shock.

"Yes, twelve hundred pounds! I raised one hundred of it, the other eleven hundred came from L."

"Is L rich, or is he just wasting taxpayer money again?" Matt asked.

"The latter." Roger confirmed.

"Wow, I was right when I said I was going to be L's successor!" Near declared.

"So what's the total?"

"Two thousand, eight hundred, and fifty nine pounds. I have already added up the total cost for the trip, including round trip airfare, hotels, food, and random tourist attractions. We need another seventy two pounds." Roger answered. Everyone groaned.

"But, didn't we collect that much last week?"

"Oh yeah, I also forgot that Mello managed to get half of a shilling."

"YAAAY!" Everyone cheered.

"And by the way Mello, if Near goes 'missing', you're under arrest."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Good, because I have enough contacts in the worldwide police forces..."

"Heh heh..." Matt chuckled, "better not try anything Mello..."

"When do you want to fly out Near?"

"After I get my new Megatron." He replied, "So next Thursday."

"Thur thing."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX chapter two:ENDXXXXXXXXXXXX

Please R&R.

-Frail-Dreams-

Also, if you did not appreciate them, sorry for all the puns.


	3. We're Nearly There

Chapter three: We're near-ly there.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Death Note or any anime or manga. I also do not own any of the brands I mention in here.

Thank you burn . real for reviewing.

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The black car ominously drove forward. It was driving at 150 kilometers per hour which was only 75 over the limit. It was driving towards an area of land that had a tower, and a large building with numerous wings. It also had jets. One of the jet's had painted on it "Air New Zealand".

Then, the car drove up to a booth, and a man rolled down the window, payed one pound, and the gate opened, and he drove through.

"All right boys," the man said as he literally kicked the boys out onto the curb, "Have fun, don't get arrested, and please, do not die."

Mello staggered up, thankful that he always wore leather. "What was that for, Roger?" He yelled, "You could have hurt us..." He then stopped and looked at Near, who was 'somehow' wearing knee and elbow pads. "Gah," Mello sighed.

"Just shut up and get your choco-I mean, luggage." Near smirked as he opened the trunk. He than pulled out his robot shaped rolling bag.

"Better hurry," Roger called out, "The plane leaves in about two hours."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Mello said as he pulled out his three bags, one of which contained his clothes and other possessions, the other two had chocolate.

They carried their bags to the door, which was revolving. Mello then saw through the reflection, a camera crew, directly behind them. He turned, all five of the men, with assorted filming gear ducked behind some bushes. Mello thought nothing of it, and walked through the door, and didn't get stuck.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

They dropped off their luggage with no incident, and they walked over to the screening section.

A security officer walked up to them, "Hello, welcome to the carry-on baggage check and screening. Do you guys know the drill?" He waited for about a half second then continued his monologue. "Okay, here's how it works: no water bottles or any liquids unless the bottle is empty. No knives, firearms, explosives, screwdrivers, multi tools, or anything with a point."

"What about jokes? They can have points." Mello interrupted.

"Oh ha ha," the officer 'laughed'. "And also, take off your shoes, coats, rosaries, wigs, etc."

Mello had to exercise all of his self control, and pulled out a bar of chocolate. "I will take out a chocolate bar, and eat it!" He declared dramatically.

"Let's go, Mello," Near prodded him.

"All right," Mello said as he moved several feet forwards. He then laid his backpack and his messenger bag on the conveyer belt. He then took off his leather boots, and red leather jacket and placed it in one of the provided bins. His things got through all right, and so he then walked through the metal detectors. And a beep came from the machine. "Oh, sorry," Mello said as he pulled out his apparently detectable foil wrapped chocolate bar. One of the guards brought out Mr. Wandy, the metal detector, and waved it over him.

"Nothing...Nothing...Nothing...HOLY CRAP!" The man jumped back as Wandy yelled like it had never yelled before.

Mello instinctively emptied his pockets. Seventeen bars of chocolate dropped to the floor, and...Another bar of chocolate.

"Clear!" The security guard yelled. "Move along, lets get the albino through next."

Near, placed his bag on the belt like Mello did. Nothing happened as it passed through. But then, it stopped, and instantly he was handcuffed and lead away.

"Hey buddy," one of the guards said to Mello, "You know this guy?"

"Yeah, we are going to New Zealand together. Why?"

"Because he has a toy robot in his luggage that has multiple sharp objects concealed in it. Car lubrication oil, several pens, and a chain mail kilt."

"A _chain mail_ kilt?!" Mello sputtered out.

"Yes, a chain mail kilt."

"Wow, I have _got_ to see this, lead the way please."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"What were you planning to do with those things?!" A long haired police man yelled at Near.

The sheepish boy twirled his hair, "Roger didn't tell me that those things were off limits. Neither did the guy who told up what not to bring."

"And who is 'Roger'?!"

"The head of my orphanage."

"What orphanage?!"

"The one I live at."

"Answer my question!"

"I did."

"I said 'answer my question! What were you planning?!"

"To wear the chain mail?"

"And?"

"Hey Mikami," one of the men gathered around said to the slobbering accuser. "He's just a kid, lay off."

"No, YOU lay off!"

It was then that Near realized he was going to die. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, he threw himself off the chair involuntarily, as he started to flail around. "Why does everyone hate me? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He continued his random screaming as he clutched his head and shattered their eardrums.

Mello looked through the glass as this was happening. Terror wrote itself in large, bold letters across his face. "_Hovno_ it's happening again." He yelled at the guy next to him, "Let me in! I know what's happening! I'm the only one here who can stop it!" He finished the sentence as the policemen pulled out their guns. "Noooooooooooo!" Mello moaned.

Suddenly Mikami stopped, "Sorry, hold on a moment, I need to take my rabies medication."

Then Mello was finally let in. "Near! Near!" He called, "Matt is dressed like a girl!"

Instantly, he was back into his normal state of mind. "OH YEAH! He jumped up in excitement, and as he looked around, he noticed the guns pointed at his head. "What did I do?"

"You don't remember _any_ of that?" One of the aghast policemen asked.

"He does that sometimes under extreme stress, such as being yelled at," Mello explained as Mikami entered, no longer with foam at his mouth.

"Hey guys, what did I miss?" Mikami said as he strutted into the room.

"Oh not much, only Superman coming in, and saving the world from certain disaster from Mr. Ed." One of the guards said sarcastically.

"What!? I love Mister Ed!" Mikami said in horror. "He's my hero!"

That statement was greeted with blank stares.

"What?" Mikami asked innocently, "I'm serious."

"..."

"So what about the kid?" Mello asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"Meh, he can go, I just want to see the new episode of Blues Clues." Mikami replied as he left for the break room.

"What was up with that guy?" Near asked the other men there.

"Frankly, we're not sure ourselves."

"Oh."

"So are you going to leave for your plane yet?" Someone asked.

"Yeah, once that camera crew leaves."

"Just a minute!" One of the camera men yelled.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

They then went through security again, minus the offending items, and boarded their plane and moved to their seats.

" This is your captain Lester speaking; hello, and welcome to Air New Zealand flight number 5805. I hope that you will enjoy this flight, and I'll try not to crash it on some random island where you will be 'lost' for several months. Please buckle up, and our flight attendant, Gevanni, will be serving a bland snack shortly."

About a minute later, the said Gevanni came down the aisle in a frilly gown, cheerfully asking people whether they prefer cashews, peanuts, or potato sculptures.

"Hello!" He asked the two Wammy boys, "Would you like cashews, peanuts, or potatoes in the shape of random things? And for drinks we have Sprite, Pepsi, Starbucks coffee(three pounds extra), and Coca-Cola."

Near flinched, and moaned, "Sprite. Cashews."

"Near, it's okay," Mello comforted the younger boy, "Oh, and I'll have a Pepsi and a potato."

"All right! I'll have your potato out in just a moment!" Gevanni said in a high pitched voice. "Here's your cashews, Pepsi, and Sprite sirs."

He then moved down the aisle, randomly changing his speech. Then, he came back, and gave Mello a potato that was carved in the shape of a sheep.

"Well, we have a 30 hour flight in front of us." Mello sighed as he chomped on his potato sheep.

He was greeted with a loud snore from beside him. Mello looked at Near, asleep beside him, and had an idea. Not a 'bad' idea, but an idea that might yield a facial expression when he woke up. Mello smiled to himself at what was going to happen when Near awoke.

He quickly started preparing, by slipping some white powder into Near's barely sipped Sprite. Then, he ate some chocolate, then pulled a black marker out of his bag. He drew whiskers, and a mustache of Near's face. But then, he woke up.

"What was that for?" He slurred.

"How did you wake up so fast?" Mello asked.

"I'm a 'white' sleeper."

"Oh, well, I was just entertaining myself."

"So why didn't you 'entertain yourself' on the other kid next to you?" Near wondered aloud, looking at the sleeping eight year old next to them.

"You wouldn't dare!" His mother said, as she picking him up and moving to a different spot.

"Well that's one way to get more room." Mello added optimistically.

"So what did you put in my drink?" Near asked several minutes later. "Oh crap, tell me in a few." He added as he put his drink down and rushed for the bathroom, clutching his stomach with a pained expression on his face.

"Everything is going as planned, believe it!" Mello cackled to himself. He then begin to booby trap Near's toys, nothing to serious though, he didn't want anything on himself.

Near came back about twenty minutes later. He sighed, looked under his seat cushion, and found a whoopie cushion that had some itching powder placed carefully in it. Near sighed, and threw it under someone else's seat. He than noticed that his newest robot (Megatron 7.19) was a shade too dark. He picked it up carefully, and threw it at Mello.

"What was that for? I didn't do anything to it!"

"What about this one?"

"Ow!" Mello recoiled, he then realized too late that it had shot a tranquilizer dart into his thigh. "Oh cra-" He then fell asleep.

Near smiled. Now he could have all of Mello's chocolate.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Twenty seven hours later, Captain Lester started his landing monologue. "Hello again folks, we're near-ly there. We have about one more hour of flight, and we will be descending slowly, so that the Aussie hunter's won't mistake us for a bird and shoot arrows at us. And the white haired kid in aisle three, please stop putting laxatives in peoples drinks."

Everyone trained their eyes on Mello and Near. Also making sure not to have any more of their drinks.

"_Great," _Near thought, "_More people to stare at me."_

Suddenly, Mello woke up. "Oh gosh!" He yelled as he got up, and promptly fell asleep again.

"_Great,_" Near thought, _"More people to stare at me."_

0o0o0o0o0o0o

"Woah big fella, WOAH!" Lester's voice sounded over the speakers as they finally landed. "I'm sorry guys, that rough landing wasn't my fault, it wasn't the co-pilot's fault, it wasn't they planes fault. It was the asphalt. And the last one off of the plane has to clean it!"

Suddenly, everyone was off of the plane with their baggage, except Gevanni.

"Aww, I always have to clean it..." He moped.

"Well Near, we're in Auckland, New Zealand." Mello commented once they got into the terminal.

"Why thank you, Captain Obvious!" Near added dryly, as he thought about the adventure that was awaiting them.

"Hey kids," some guy said as he approached them, "You had better get out of this building, it has a 'terminal' disease!"

"Where can I get more chocolate?" Mello asked the man, ignoring his pun.

"A store?"

"Thank's for your help man, it's greatly appreciated." Mello sighed. "Let's go Near, we need to get a cab to the hotel."

"Oh my gosh!" A hyperactive blond woman screamed, "They're just so cute! Can I adopt you?"

"What the frick?"

"Misa, shut up, we did not come here to adopt some kids." The guy told the blond, who was now squeezing Near like he was a big stuffed animal.

Mello than grabbed Near and his bags, and ran like all of Hell had broken loose behind him. He was followed by a still very hyper Misa.

"What do you want woman?" He yelled at the flamboyant blond that was chasing them.

"You and your little friend!"

"Oh gosh!"

Mello had an idea, he turned, and ran into the mens restroom. He stopped for a second, then Misa ran in and hugged Mello like there was no tomorrow.

"Oh Lord! If you're up there, please save me!" Mello called as he clutched his rosary.

Then, the unexpected happened, Misa started sneezing, and coughing, and wheezing. The man who they had talked to a little before came in and asked, "Wait, do you have chocolate on you or something?"

"Yeah..." Mello answered nervously. "Why?"

"Because she's allergic to it."

"Thank you Lord!" Mello yelled at Heaven. "Wait, who are you?"

"I'm here 'handler' I mean, 'manager'," He corrected himself when she shot him an icy glare, " Matsuda."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX END XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Please R&R.


	4. The Emperor Nearo

Chapter four.

Sorry for the taking so long, I was kinda at a creative low. Plus I'm working on another one.

Thought's are in _italics._

And since this is my first time doing Point of View's, hope it doesn't suck.

I like, don't, like, own, like, Death, like, Note.

______________________________________________________________________________

Next day, Mello's POV

"_Huh...why is everything so...fuzzy? And where's Near?" _I turn around, "_Holy sheep! What's up with the polar bear. Wha-? It's nudging me...OH CRAP HE PUSHED ME OFF!!"_

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" I screamed in terror, shattering everyone's eardrums simultaneously. "What waaaaas thaaaaaaaat yoooooouu stuuuuupiiiiid polaaaar beaaaaar!?! AIEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" But than...the unexpected happened, I bounced back up. As I started to fall again, I noticed some men in an inflatable raft.

"It's all right, kid." One said as he took his hands off his bleeding ears. "Okay, fall right about...there."

I felt hands grabbing me and tearing off the harness (How did it get there anyways?) off my chest.

"AHHH, PEDOPHILES!!!"

".....What?"

"Nevermind."

And, having my brain jolted after falling 300 feet off of a bridge, I look back up at the white lump encroaching on my vision. There, smirking at my shocked state, was Near. _"So that's what the 'polar bear' was...Oh woah, he's going off!"_

"Near! Noooooo!" I screamed hoarsely. I then watched as he did three back flips and spinning three hundred and sixty degrees each time. Than, he stretched out straight, and hit the water. Like a flippin' fairy.

"Wow! Nice job, kid! Have you ever done that before?" The man who pulled Mello out of the water asked the sheepish boy.

"Nope, I just watched what 'The Blond' did, and did everything but." He taunted.

"_Why you little..!" _I gritted my teeth, and visibly started to clench my fists and breathe heavily.

"Is that kid okay?" The waterman(lets call him "Bob") asked Near

"He's in withdrawal; Mello, fetch!" Near called out as he threw a chocolate bar into a tree above his head.

"_Oh..so __that's__ why I can't think straight." _I lunged seven feet into the air, grabbed the chocolate bar. And promptly landed on my face... _"Stupid Near, he giggled... deviously ."_

"Hahahahaha! What an idiot!" Bob's assistant said while laughing hysterical.

"I HATE ALL OF YOU!" I yelled as I chomped down on my chocolate. _"Mmm, Heaven...in my mouth..."_

"So, Mello, how did you enjoy the bungee jump, or should I say 'fall'?"

"Well, you could have woken me up." I rasped, my throat still sore from screaming my lungs out.

Near's expression changed to shock. "You've been awake for the past seven hours! It's 3 PM!"

"Hmm?" I grunted.

"You've been walking and talking with us like you usually do. What _does_ that chocolate do?"

"Turns my brain on, what else?" I replied sarcastically.

"Makes you fat." Near retorted, poking me in the stomach.

"_Ha,ha, he think's he's sooo funny."_

"Come on, Mello, we still have a few more sites to go to. Like the zoo."

Sadly, the chocolate quickly wore off. Close to light speed proportions. Exactly 3.7 seconds til the batteries died again.

"What's two plus seven minus twelve cubed?"

"Minus nine, that's easy." I replied cooly, still half aware.

"Okay."

"Hey kid," Bob whispered in Near's ear. "You said _cubed_, not _squared."_

"I'm aware of that. Mello is off of Mr. Miracle Worker. He can't think straight."

"Oh...Kay?"

"Matsuda! Let's go before Mello snaps out of it and we have to deal with his whining again!" Near yelled at a brunette man who was taking pictures.

"I'll be right with you!" He called back as he put down his camera and took a bite out of his hamburger.

"Porkins! Let's go!" I watched that one blond chick, Misa, yell at the brunette. "Light-sama might get mad at us!"

I followed the polar bear-like thing back to a car... Strange things are in Poland... Wait...I'm in Poland? What the crap? Ugh, I'm tir-...

0o0o0o0o0o0o

(Two hours later: Third person POV.)

They decided to tour a Maori village when their legs started to go numb and Misa had to pee again. After waking Mello, they withheld chocolate for the lulz.

They were greeted by a man with blue tattoos over his face and arms.

"Hello, would you like to fight a Maori with staves? The cost is five dollars. And if you win, you can keep the staff. Whether you win or lose you will help us struggling tribesmen. You'll also receive free medical care for all injuries received in the fight!"

Near's lips twitched. "Where do I sign?"

"No laddie, I don't think you'll do that great."

"Oh, it's not for me." Near said as he wrote 'Mello' onto the list. "Mello is the blond addict."

"Okay... Hey Staffen McTribesmen! We have a client!"

"Yeah!" Some random guy with a stick exclaimed as he threw another stick at Mello. The staff hit his shins, but still being low on chocolate he keeled over. He looked up, as he brushed the dirt off his face.

"Wha-? Ouch! What was that for? Ow! Hey man-ow! Hey there's a stick!"

He grabbed the stick, but the man got to him first, hitting him in the head. Lifted the stick, was hit in the arm. Swung the stick, was hit in the hand. That was kinda how the fight went until Mello was on the ground, being pummeled mercilessly, as the crowd booed...But then, he suddenly managed to swing his staff up...Right into the man's groin. Needless to say, he won...

"YAY!!! Baby Mero won!" Misa and Matsuda squealed in unison.

"Hey, boy, here's your stupid staff..." The man groaned as he tossed the stick at his conqueror.

"I can't let go of this one though..."

"Huh? Why?"

"Because it's sticky!"

"So? That's the 'point'!"

"I was wondering why it was sharp..."

"Wow Mello... you sucked!" Near rolled his eyes at the still shocked chocolate addict.

"Maybe **you **should have done it!"

"Hmm, well I could," Near reminisced, "If I put to use...My memories!"

"Your _memories?"_ Mello mused.

"Yes, in one of my past lives, I was a Roman Emperor!"

"Oh really? Than what was your name?"

"Near-o."

Mello groaned.

**And now; Time for the....FABULOUS FLASHBACK!!!!!!!!!!**

"M-my l-liege, what is i-it you d-desired?" The manager stuttered.

" I desire knowledge. Specifically, why is the Colosseum not making as much money?"

The man trembled, "Well sire, it's not my fault!"

"Than whose fault is it?" Near-o asked disdainfully.

"W-well, the lions!"

"How is it the _lions_ fault?"

"Because, they're eating up the prophets!"

*Sigh* "You know what I truly desire?"

"What is it, my liege?"

"I desire meat from a large cat!"

"But, sire, you must be lion!" The man recoiled.

"I want some just for the pun of it!" Near-o maintained. "Okay, I lied, instead I want to see people fighting each other."

"Glad(iator)ly." The manager said cheerfully.

"Give me a pole!"

"Bring 'em in!"

"But I don't wanna!" A thick accent was heard. "You jerks dragged me from me Northern home! Agh!"

"You idiot!" Near-o yelled at the guards. "I wanted a pole, like a staff, not a 'Pole'!"

Suddenly, several Polish men came into the room.

"Hello, Mister Emperor, we are the Pole staff you ordered."

"Idiots. Kill them all! Or just sell them to the Prussians or something."

"No! That's too horrible a punishment!"

"That's what _she_ said!" Near-o said promptly. "Now get me my stick."

"Here you are, sire." One of his aides said after several minutes of figuring out what he meant by 'stick'. They were correct. Finally.

"Now..." Near-o paused dramatically. "Now, you can bring in that Pole, and give him a pole."

"But I don't waaaaaanna!" The Polish man whined. A nearby aide boxed his ears. "Oh, fine, gimme the shtick!"

The man grabbed a staff, and charged the 'close' by Emperor. He was immediately smacked in the face. He fell down and complained about his team failing in the World Cup. He was hit again.

"Ha ha ha!" Near-o laughed maniacally, "In a couple thousand years, **my** country will win the prize!"

"Ummmm..."

"Destroy Brasil!"

*Pause*

"...Where, or what, is 'Brasil'?"

"Oh, right, it hasn't been discovered yet..." Near-o sighed.

"Well then...that means that the-"

**THE FLASHBACK ENDS!!!1!!1!!!!!eleven!!!1!!!one!!!!**

"Yo, Slave!" Near commanded. "Come here!"

"Sweet, free money!" A tourist yelled. "I can totally beat that sheep, I'm from Warsaw!"

Near smirked. He took Mello's staff, and stood there.

The Polish man charged wildy, hair flowing, eyes sparkling, cheeks flushed; Then a certain staff slammed into his face. He crumpled to the ground and wailed about his National team perpetually fails at the European championship and World Cup.

Near chuckled.

Just then, Matsuda came running up. "Did you (huff) know that (puff) these (huff huff) people get (puff) their housing (huffity puffity) materials from(huff) flax machines!?!"

"Matsuda..." Mello sighed as he chomped down on his newly liberated chocolate.

"What?"

"You're an idiot."

"I wasn't being serious..." Matsuda said as he lowered his head in shame. Tears were already forming in his kicked puppy-like eyes.

"Hey, Dreams, can you cut to a flashback or something?" Near yelled loudly at the guy with the notepad.

"Who's 'Dreams'?" Mello ask-

**Welcome to Matsuda's amazing 10 second flashback!!!!!**

"Ah..." Matsuda sighed in contentment as he looked at the sea crashing down on the cliffs. The moon was shining brightly, the seagulls crying and-----

**Flashback ends.**

Matsuda was placed, slightly bruised and completely unconscious in the car.

"Finally, that clown stopped the outrageous howling." Mello scoffed.

"So...What do we do until he wakes up and drives us back to our hotel?" Near wondered aloud.

"Well," Mello contemplated thoughtfully, "We could walk around the village some more. Or call a tow truck., OR you could drive!"

Near grinned creepily and rubbed his hands together as he slipped behind the wheel...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXendXXXXXXXXXX

Yep...That's the end of the chapter...Muahahahahahahhahahaha!!

A/N: I randomly and blatantly interspersed this story with Naruto Abridged. I do not own, BELIEVE IT!


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